And then it all washed over me...

All it took was one remark

one

snarky

remark

And the next thing I knew I was catapulted over the edge

into dark chaos

and the weeks I'd spent holding on with white knuckles

were gone

and I

drowned

fast

and deeply.

Dark chaos 

you are blind

you see nothing but you know it's busy

you sense it

you feel it

you know it is moving all around you

bumping into you

brushing against you

screaming silence in your ears

hovering over your head

drowning in fear

suffocating on intensity

stifling

deadening

screaming

silence

a complete internal hell.

The dark chaos thrives in mental illness

like bacteria that thrive in dark, damp places

dusty corners with shackled thoughts

doors that have been closed for ages with good reason

tightly wound issues intertwined with waves of despair

liquid guilt and burning shame

all of it 

binding me

engulfing me

dragging me

down.

I know exactly where I am....

I am lost.

What do you believe?

I no longer subscribe to the religious belief system I was raised on. I read somebody's blog about prayer and it sent me into a spiral of thought I'd had for a long time, but had denied because the system of belief I subscribed to said it was wrong to think that way. I don't believe God stops the progression of the world to stop disease, disaster, or to grant wishes & wealth because someone prayed for it. I believe in the butterfly effect...I do with everything that I am. Christians would call it free will. I never could wrap my brain around a god who would grant free will but would step in and change destiny just because of a prayer. Wouldn't it be either-or? There is so much that goes through my head right here that I can't even begin to put it into words for the interwebs to soak it up into eternity. But I can say this...
Life sucks and it's hard and it hurts and there is absolutely no way to get around that.
You probably can't get through "everything." You just can't...you're human. You are going to have faults, and you are going to fail, and you are going to fall short. There is absolutely no way to get around this.
There are soooo many ways to put positive energy into the universe...sooo many ways. You have to find what works for you. If one group of folks doesn't work out, don't give up on the cause, just change the approach.
and I throw out into the universe-
hey, do I ?
no...

I still respect everyone's beliefs and their right to believe it.

Personally, I am creating my own path based on my own beliefs..I do not and will not identify with one system of belief. I am convinced there are more paths than one, that take souls to bliss, that create positive energy to make better the universe, or the existence of life. Who are we to limit the immense and eternal power of joy, existence, and destiny with our small human minds?

How finite are we. How small in the grandest of ideas.

And me...a mistake...the product of an act of revenge...adopted then thrown away. Is there such a thing as disposable people? There most certainly is the feeling of being disposable...of being thrown away into the garbage or flushed into the sewer as the waste that we don't want, the waste that disgusts us, the waste that makes us uncomfortable or reminds us of our mistakes...
I refute the shame and remorse and guilt that is associated with religion and breaking the rules of those antiquate writings. I do A LOT of great things. I don't need a religion to tell  me my soul is okay.

My soul is okay because I fill it with good things.

My spirit says love...
And I LOVE.

The universe says LOVE...
And I LOVE.

Your voice doesn't matter. It won't be here tomorrow.

I didn't ask for this

I didn't ask to be born.
I didn't ask for mental illness.
I didn't ask to experience the horrible things that caused my mental illnesses.
I didn't ask for others' inability to control their actions as they beat me, raped me, cursed me, berated me, smashed me around and violated the most tender parts of my girlhood, womanhood, and personhood.
I didn't ask to be punished a lifetime for what others did to me.
I didn't ask to find out that my mere existence is a mistake brought about by an irresponsible act of revenge.
I didn't ask to be burdened with an illness that is harder to cure than cancer.
I didn't ask to be disposable, for people to claim they are my family then turn their backs on me and walk away as if I never existed.
I didn't ask to have a mentally ill mother.
I didn't ask to be afraid to be loved.
I didn't ask for the road to recovery to be so very difficult.
I didn't ask to be burdened for a lifetime of losing things I love because of a mental illness I cannot control.
I didn't ask to regret breathing.
I didn't ask to know this, any of this about life, mental illness, and all the other extremely disturbing things I know, I've seen, I've witnessed or experienced.
I didn't ask to be saddled with something that makes me unable to function in normal society.
I didn't ask to live in fear that, at any moment, everything around me could completely fall apart, I could implode, or I could experience more trauma...every single moment of every single day.
I didn't ask for a lifetime of wearing masks, of acting like everything is okay when I really just want to walk in front of a car, of pretending to care about menial bullshit while my world is collapsing in flames in my mind, of being sensitive of others' feelings when they can't understand mine and frankly don't care to.
I didn't ask to live my life on the "Damaged Goods & Clearance" aisle.
I didn't ask to watch the things I love get ripped from me because of my mental illness.
I didn't ask to be left out of things I love because my mental illness causes unpredictable behavior.
I didn't ask to live trapped & terrified inside my own mind.
I didn't ask to be continuously thrown away because I don't fit in correctly.
I didn't ask to be a part of this world where I have to worry so much about what others can handle.
I didn't ask for the rules I'm forced to follow.
I didn't ask for people to talk about me behind my back because they are too scared and ignorant about mental illness to have the balls to talk to me.
I didn't ask for my beautiful qualities to shrink in the shadows of my mental illness.
I didn't ask for society's harsh judgement from its poor understanding of mental illness.
I didn't ask for a fractured identity.
I didn't ask for a paralyzing fear of fucking things up.
I didn't ask for a fear of intimacy AND abandonment making every single attempt at a relationship into complete and utter chaos due to maddening identity, feelings of inadequacy, and the the deepest, gripping fear that feels like my feet are made of lead an there is a vice grip on my throat.
I didn't ask to be unable to handle certain things and need others to help me, turning me into more of a burden on them.
I didn't ask to be afraid to love.
I didn't ask to have any of these fucked up, neurotic, crazy, insecure, overbearing, reckless behaviors, thoughts, feelings...

But...
I was.
I have one.
I did.
I am.
I do.
They do.
I have been.
I don't.
It does.
I have them.
I know this.
I AM THIS.

Absolute Truths

It's true. The biggest lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. These lies shape how we approach the world around us. They define our personalities and our self-images. Lying to ourselves can keep us from being the most remarkable person we could have been, if only...
So I have been considering my own list of absolute truths based on the lies I see us telling ourselves. This list is sure to grow.

We wear some masks more convincingly than others.

Our timing is not always in sync with the universe.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay if you are.

Never completely, 100%, trust anybody. Ever. Including yourself.

Sometimes it’s NOT the thought that counts. The most terrible idea with a remarkable execution can  count much more than a great idea with poor execution.

I don’t know IS an answer.

No matter how hard you try, you will still die.

Stuff breaks. That’s just life.

Never was yesterday.

No matter how popular you are, someday, nobody will have a clue who you are.

Anything is possible…literally anything.

It’s just business.

Having a life is not the same as being alive.

You can’t control what happens to you but you can control your reactionsßis not always a true statement.

Ask questions.  

It doesn’t really matter, in the grand scheme of things, what you do right this minute, this day, this week, this year, this lifetime…the world keeps spinning with or without you.

Words have power.

Not everyone is telling the truth when they say they are your friend.

Never expect anyone to return a favor.

Here's to 2017

I'm pretty proud of my 2017. I've successfully reached many goals, or I was satisfactorily close. I wrote them in my journal at the beginning of the year and I made a game plan for each and periodically revisited what I wrote, to keep it fresh. It really worked, even if my plan didn't work. The goals were solid and I was flexible but focused. Being mindful of all things, not just emotions, can lead to really great things. I've worked really hard and I'm really, really proud. This is long, so bail now to save yourself the pain. If you want a tiny bit of inspiration to make changes to accomplish your goals, take a dive. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)

1. Lose 25 pounds by Memorial Day...I lost 20 pounds by April 1, gained 10 back from an injured knee, lost that again and maintained. Close enough for me. Next year's goal is to lose another 10 & keep it off. WIN

2. Reduce debt with debt consolidation loan, save $1000, save for car....that was before I was turned down for the loan and read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. I now have my $1000 emergency fund and have paid off over $4000 in debt while funding a vacation, a baby shower, and buying gifts for the twins. Next year's goal is to pay off the rest and the car savings will start immediately. I also stayed within my budget for Christmas, even with the addition of the twins. My Christmas and flex accounts will be bigger next year, too. I have a confidence for budgeting and controlling my finances that I've never had before. WIN

3. Vacation with Q...went to Beaver's Bend for 5 days and will have a Colorado vacation for 5 days in December. Next year's goal is a trip to Albuquerque/Santa Fe then Houston/Galveston in 2019. We will also camp over night at more state parks. I'm planning my France trip for 2021. Traveling is one of the best things I can do to make myself happy. France has been a dream most of my life. WIN

4. Socialize...I know this one seems weird but I became a hermit last year with my family issues and the lumpectomy on my breast. I was super depressed. This year, i got out a lot. met people, hosted Baconpolooza, and went to lots of community & township events to just generally interact with people. I made some new friends, met many coworkers (there's 500 employees in my company) and did some great work for the community. A mini goal is to know the names of everyone in my building at work by the end of 2017. WIN